Things I Would Do If I Had A Shit Ton of Money
Plus more linkage.
I often wonder about how power and money—too much of either or both—can really warp a person’s values. How much is too much? How much is a shit ton of money?
I once Googled “is ‘fuck ton’ one word or two?” for a copy editing client. It made me giggle. Also it’s one, but I think it should be two. As one word, it looks like it should be pronounced all British like Buxton. Think about it. Shitton, however, sounds like “shit on” when you say it out loud.
I mean, do we think Jeffrey Epstein, P. Diddy, and R. Kelly were destined to dabble in trafficking underage girls regardless of their stature in life? You never hear about the feds busting a pedophile ring run by a bingo manager. Although they make way more than you would think. If I had that job, I would buy this shirt in every color and wear it as my uniform.
Is there a connection between using an initial as your first name and pedophilia? I don’t know. But I do know if I became a billionaire tomorrow that I wouldn’t be searching “private islands for sale” on Zillow.
If I were Scrooge McDuck rich, I would take hypothetical situations that make me giggle that I play out in my head, and play them out for real. Just today, I was at Whole Paycheck grabbing a few things for dinner. At the last second, I added a candle to my cart. Impulse aisles were designed for me. (So were night braces to correct my pigeon toe.) As I checked out, the young woman bagging my stuff picked up the candle, opened it, and sniffed it. The cashier raised her sculpted eyebrows in a “dang, that was ballsy” kind of way, while I was thinking, was that inappropriate? It’s not like she picked up my lip balm and opened it and tried it on before bagging it. Or opened my box of tampons right then and there and, you get it. I’m Lindsey. I’m disgusting. I make cringy jokes about strangers stealing and using my tampons in front of me.
But what if it were lip balm? I would love to see someone’s reaction if the grocery bagger opened the lip balm, put some on, closed it and put it in their bag. How much would I have to pay a bagger to do this to a customer while I watched and possibly filmed it for my streaming pleasure? Squee! In my waking life, I could never justify spending money on something so ludicrous. But if I had unlimited funds, I could make someone’s day by showering them with money to carry out my whims. Like John Oliver on Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. Or The Simpsons episode where Monty Burns made Homer his prank monkey. Man that sounds racist, no?
The time John Oliver bought Russell Crowe’s jockstrap from his divorce auction to give to Alaska’s last Blockbuster video store. Russell Crowe then used the money that Oliver paid to fund the John Oliver Koala Chlamydia Ward at the Australia Zoo.
Here are a few other things I would do if it weren’t all about the Benjamins:
Build a guard station and employ a 24/7 guard at the end of my driveway. Not the road, the driveway. I would pay this person handsomely. You know, because billions.
Bring back Crystal Pepsi. I tried this without money and didn’t get very far.
Hire NPR’s Lakshmi Singh to record my outgoing message on voicemail: “For Lindsey Grossman’s voicemail, I am Lakshmi Singh.”1
Fulfill Dave’s lifelong dream of opening a bar where the waiters are monkeys in tuxedos on rollerskates.
Remake Titanic, replacing Leo and Kate with Danny Devito and Rhea Pearlman. (Another dream of Dave’s. He dreams big.)
Think of all the joy I would bring to all the girls and boys. The legal kind. And now this:
While in New York the other week, I discovered Soho store Cute and Cropped at the recommendation of an 11-year-old girl at my hotel’s pool. It is the stuff of tween (and possibly teen) dreams. I won over Abbie with these slippers and some hair clips shaped like different types of dogs.
I don’t get out much and these days I don’t drink much, yet I can’t recall where I was when recently introduced to The Four Graces wines. Regardless, it’s a new-to-me reasonably priced Willamette wine (Willamette, damnit!). I’m loving their pinot gris and rosé.
The bipartisan gift that keeps on giving: Thank you, Nikki Hardin, for the intro to these vote bracelets, made by Maasai craftswomen in Kenya. I got one for myself and a couple more for friends—probably should’ve bought the bundle.
If you covet all things Schoolhouse like I do, they are having a huge fall sale right now with 20% off of everything (which makes it almost, kinda sorta but not really affordable). I’m switching our decor from mid-century modern bohemian to a sort of Bauhaus/schoolhouse situation, and am thinking about getting the Rospo Table Lamp in lichen gloss.
This is the candle the Whole Foods bagger opened and sniffed. It’s delightful.
I had no idea until writing this post that others shared my love for all things Lakshmi. If I’d only known sooner… no, nothing would’ve happened. But still.
