Procrastination Click Holes and Pooping Your Pants
And back not by popular request: Just the Tips
While writing my book, I have a hard time getting into a groove because I want everything to be accurate, to foster versimilitude1 if you will. Mr. Kalb, if you’re reading this, look what I remembered from your class! Stay in school, kids. For instance, I’m using an analogy comparing childbirth to running a marathon, and I wanted to know if it’s at all common for runners to shit themselves on long distance runs like women shit themselves during childbirth. From personal experience, I knew the latter to be true2, but being that I don’t run unless I’m being chased3, I asked Dr. Google if marathon runners have been known to crap their pants. Like all questions I’ve posed to the universe seeking sage insights, the universe laughed and gave me a Reddit thread instead, where I spent minutes upon minutes scrolling through the comments, each one more outstanding than the next. These got my upvote:
How Common is Shitting My Pants During a Marathon?
“I shit the pacers pants once and then he beat me with his stick. Lesson learned - missed a PR.”
“I’ve shit behind more businesses along the 606 in Chicago than im proud to admit.” - ParaPooper3
“I shit myself regularly and I don't bother with the marathon bit.”
“I've run 3 marathons as a fat hobby jogger - the dookie to pants ratio is 0:0.”
“I deploy turds like Mario Kart power ups when someone pulls up behind me.”
Then I get inspired to write about this experience on my Substack, and all of the sudden, half of the time I set aside for working on my novel is gone, and all I have to show for it is an unsound analogy. If I’m ever going to finish my book, I need to buckle down and treat it like the marathon it is. I don’t think I’ll truly feel like a novelist until I crap myself. And now back to our irregularly scheduled programming.
Welcome back to Just the Tips. If you’re just joining us, Just the Tips is a recurring Raveled subsection where I give advice through a Lexapro laden lens:
If you’re mired, bogged, or down in any other way post-election, try living in a natural disaster area. You won’t have nearly the time or mental space for it.
When you order in a restaurant and change your mind, don’t chase the waitress into the kitchen to change your order. They don’t like that.
If you ever receive a dick pic and don’t want anyone else to see it, erase it IMMEDIATELY.
If you’re ever at a literary event and feel out-intellectualized, pipe up and say you think the author did a good job fostering versimilitude. It’s like describing a wine as bold with a hint of whimsy. You can’t go wrong, it always hits.
A huge shout out to the delivery team at Mission Hospital circa 2007. Their hands moved as fast and furious as an F1 pit crew down there, so I hardly noticed.
Fun ironic fact: I served on the board of the Western North Carolina chapter of Girls on the Run, who’s mission I support with passion. About halfway into my term, I shared at a meeting that I don’t run, and you could’ve heard a pin drop.